Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Almost doesn't count...

So I was hit with the dreaded writer's block for a long while and had nothing to say; nothing of merit at least. I realized that most of what goes on this blog has no merit what's so ever. I'm not a recognized entity that holds any clout with the masses. Not yet anyway. As of late, I've realized that I may never live that experience which is a hard pill to swallow. It's not the fortune and fame I was after; it never was about being a celebrity. For me it was believing you could achieve anything you want in life. It was about achieving greatness. Sure it may sound like the 'cast off's' goodbye speech at the end of one of those reality shows but perhaps letting go of something you love doesn't just apply to people. Besides, the industry is often times referred to as a love affair with a cold mistress.

Back when I was courting this mistress, I took a trip out to Hollywood to see what the industry was really all about. I had done my research before hand and as anyone knows, you should go with at least a meeting set up. Well, I had a meeting half set up. Somehow through a few degrees of separation, I was able to get a fresh new script to an executive at Sony Pictures. Like a wide-eyed boy discovering what a MILF is, I arrived in Los Angeles and got my first taste of 'being a Hollywood player'. Getting off the massive freeway, I arrived at my hostel and found my way around with the confusing public transit system. Everything was real low budget, as I was a starving artist...

The locals were friendly, only because they too were foreigners. To this day I'm not sure if most of the people I met were really Californians since Hollywood & Vine is the city's tourist district. In retrospect there was one stranger from LA who was very friendly to me. He wanted me to assist him with his broken down car, which soon was able to give me a ride home ten minutes later... I often wonder which ditch I would have ended up in, had I gotten in that vehicle.

Of course when courting an older mistress, you don't tell your parents until it's time for them to know what's going on. Only a few people knew I had taken off to Los Angeles. I didn't want anyone to know what I was up to in the event that everything fell apart. I played a lot of phone tag with the executive at Sony who had my script as well as some other executives at other production companies. I was fortunate enough to talk to a lot of executive's assistants whose job it is to keep in experienced boys from bothering real professionals. The assistant to the Sony executive was very nice and I was encouraged to call back to arrange the meeting.

Success! Two days in Los Angeles, with a real Hollywood meeting! I had done the impossible. Day three rolled around and the world changed. It was September 11th 1999 and I woke up to my cell phone going off. It was my sister telling me to turn on the television. I need not go into detail about that day as my own experience is nothing compared to scores of others. However, I will say that being thousands of miles away from anyone I knew in a strange place with nothing more than $50 in my pocket was terrifying. I couldn't get money for days. Luckily the hostel I was staying at was very understanding about the situation. I had to call my parents and let them know I was in Los Angeles instead of school... that didn't go over so well.

Needless to say, my meeting with Sony never happened... and in hindsight, it's a good thing it didn't because that script was horrible.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Star Light, Star Bright...

I just bombed another audition from a very intimidating casting director. My only solace is that I was chosen; asked to come back after what I believe was a horrible audition. Perhaps the casting director enjoys rejecting me. I'm sure I'll never know.

While sitting here in the dumps, I continue to search for motivation... I present a letter I wrote to Oprah... yes Oprah... It was for an opportunity of a lifetime so I had to do it! It also serves as some much needed support. And I present it as an open letter in the event Mr. Poitier is ever bored enough to read this:

___________________________________________________________________

By the grace of God everyday Oprah helps people see and experience their truths and I would like the opportunity to experience what I believe to be my own: meeting the sage of great humility and compassion for life who inspired me with a parallel truth; which will guide me for the rest of my life.

The Measure of a Man is one of few pieces of literature that educates, inspires and leads all at once. Through your words I simultaneously experienced childhood and adulthood. I worry about the man I am and the man I will become, but although those fears are still inescapable, your book gave me guidance on how to be a good man, a strong man, a man who loves and a man that is loved, an artist, a husband, a father, a provider and ultimately a complete man. By setting a standard at which to measure my character gives me a sense of comfort about my future, not just as a black man but as a human being; whether I achieve my goals or not.

I am now aware of the cracks within my perception of my life and one day I will have to face those camouflaged demons. I know I will confront them with guidance and your spirit.

I’ve learned that when hope and perception are broken by experience you are constantly readjusting your truths which causes you to switch to survival instincts; which slows down progress. Therefore, learning how to adapt quickly, which is something you have exemplified throughout your life, is essential to success.

You’re a positive example of strength and prestige for those that wish to express themselves through means other than music or sports which are almost expected from our generation. Because of you I know that my path as well as the way I see myself, how I see others, should be determined by me and only me.

I believe Mr. Poitier, is at the very forefront of a different charge, an intellectual inequality of self, for a new generation; providing inspiration for ways to express yourself personally and professionally: with dignity and respect.

Allowing us to experience your life, frailties and all is a privilege I can’t begin to repay. Your message was received and understood. Therefore, know that your life was used to serve a greater purpose. My obligation to you for these words is too great to measure because you are an immeasurable man.

Thank you.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Hope vs. Experience

Experience has taught me that getting up is harder than falling down. Hope gave me the strength to get back up. Experience has taught me that things are not always what they appear to be. Hope allowed me to see the good in things. Experience has taught me that you get out what you put in. Hope pushed me to put in everything I have.

When I tell people I am an actor or a writer, I am looked upon with a faint strain of recognition. "Have you done anything that I've seen?" Regrettably I have not, or I don't think it's anything to write mom about. When that looks fades, it is followed by a look of disapproval. Then follows "What else do you do?"

We all know that in order to be at the top of any career one must work hard. Once you reach the top, you are looked upon with respect and admiration. Those that are unable to attain their desire will not receive that approval. And yes, I understand that life should not be about what other think; yet in life everyone is seeking approval from someone else.

It takes a lot of hard work to be a good actor or a good writer. A good actor must know thy self and the people around them. Their job (done well) is to portray a real person; someone you admire, someone you're inspiried by, care about, hate or love. Actors must physcially become someone else while being themselves inside. The same thing goes for the writer. They need to understand the human condition and connect with it, move people with words, communicate and inspire others through black text and white pages to people all over the world. The more real and truthful the actor or writer is to themselves the better job they do. That in itself is one of the hardest things to accomplish.

How many people in this world can say that they are being honest with themselves. Like most, we all need to wear different masks in order to make it through a day. These masks aren't lies, but they are not exactly the truth either; yet we need them to survive. There are but a few that are true to themselves and have achieved things beyond their wildest dreams. There are hundreds of professions you can be good at without being true to yourself, but I sincerely believe that failure to be truthful to yourself will have damaging affects in years to come.

I question why I would want to achieve such a bizarre profession and if it's possible for someone like me to attain it. Sometimes I feel as though I may have painted myself into a corner and I am still searching for a way out. Experienced has taught me that you do not always find what you're looking for. However, hope is the tool I use to search.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Spiderman Syndrome

I was bit by that acting bug at the age of about eight. Regrettably a cure has not been found. Unfortunately that bite didn't allow me to swing from a thread or catch thieves like flies. I would have settled for an increased sense of agility. I did however want to save the world... well change it. But at the age of eight my world consisted of ensuring I had bananas on my peanut butter and crackers and making sure I got the red brick blocks at play time.

During a class trip our school went to some learning centre where we learned about stories from different countries. We were introduced to a fellow that was like Santa, but had some dodgy thin guy leave coal in stockings to some other not so well-behaved kids. During the lessons a few lucky class members got to participate in the story. I volunteered, perhaps out of genuine curiosity or maybe it was pure boredom. Either way, my role was the hero in the story that moved mountains; literally! I cannot recall the full details of the story, but in order to save the day, my character had to move a whole entire mountain. I stood before the audience which seemed to be huge, but was probably just a dozen 8 year olds. Luckily there was no lines to remember, just reacting to the storyteller.

Everyone was watching... perhaps out of curiosity or complete boredom. But I thought I'd juice up the performance by adding a little 'World Wrestling Federation Hulk Hogan' flare! For that instant I was the strongest man in the universe! I think I showboated a little, but they loved it! Everyone was laughing and enjoyed what my little mind conceived as 'the thing to do'. The reaction of the crowd captured me and for a brief moment I felt important. Something rarely felt by a middle child. The next day in class I got my first review! Someone in the class had written that their favorite part of the day was seeing me 'kiss my muscles' and move a mountain! They loved me... they really loved me.

Regrettably my follow up performances were less than Oscar worthy. As Wise man #2 in the 'Baby Jesus Story', I accidentally lit Wise man #1 on fire with my candle behind stage. I had never seen anyone move as fast to put that fire out. That was a lesson: Kids shouldn't play with fire. However, I kept that incident off my resume so that during grade school I was allowed to wield a sword. It wasn't until six years later at the age of 12 that I learned what stage fright was. The audience was bigger, and this time I had a speaking part. I delivered my line as best as I could ~ It was one line in the second half of the play... I just remember running down the aisle trying to flee the scene of the crime. That jagged, rusty, sharp sword could of speared anyone in my way, but I had wished it was pointed the other way.

So maybe I won't save the world; I really wanted to at some point. I can now hope to change it just a little through reflecting character.

Go Spidey, go.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sins of the Father

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. ~ My father was never one for biblical ramblings though my grandmother was and still is religious teacher. He came to know the bible well, but through his years decided it wasn't his way.

Watching him I got the impression that it was not money, but the lack of it that contributed to the evils of the world. My father wasn't an evil man, but he did make a habit of mentioning it whenever he saw it. Growing up I experienced the mind-blowing stories of the bible each week in a scorching hot church. Once I hit my teenage years the sermons were going into repeats and didn't go as often, but when I did, the message still seemed encrypted so that only I could understand it. And what a message! I understood why it was called the greatest story ever written. Apparently it took 100 years and over a dozen writers; talk about development hell!

How could I measure up as a writer? These bible stories have already been written many times over in every language. They say there are only approximately fourteen stories in the world. The characters, settings and small details change, but the plot always remains the same. That being said, it is truly amazing how many stories there are in the world. I can only assume there are approximately 14 life lessons we need to learn and relearn in order to survive.

Survival of the fittest has always been my father's motto. However, it seems as though my 'survival' job is non-existent at this point. Not something my father would be proud of; though I should not be working to please him. Regrettably that isn't the case. As I am sure most of you reading these posts can relate to, we often do things subconsciously to please those we love the most. To prove to them and to ourselves that we aren't a disappointment. And that you can be a success even when things are stacked against you.

My father was good at a lot of things; a jack of all trades. I don't know if he liked doing the things he was good at but he would always tell me to find what it is I like doing and figure out how to profit from it. Well I'm half way there but I think in retrospect, my father was referring to something that could provide a steady income. Actors and writer's salaries range from the hundreds to the millions of dollars. The risk is high, and so is the pay off. The biggest payoff for me is to be absolved from the well-meaning parents that are only looking out for your best interest and feel you'd earn more money as a chef or a teacher.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Treat the First like the last

Treat your "first" like your "last" and your "last" like your "first". No matter what it may be, you want to give it 100%! ~ Usually the aforementioned 'words of wisdom' tell you to give some ridiculous number above one hundred. However, as we all should know, it's arithmetically impossible.

Based on percentages we can only put forth 100% in any situation; and to give it all to a pipe dream is insane. If day in and day out, I only have 100% to give, how can I afford to devote it to a dream when reality is demanding almost 100% of my attention. I believe the word 'multitask' should be removed from the English language as it requires you to divide up the 100% making us all 'Jack's (or Jackie's) of all trades', but masters of none!

The only details of my first audition I remember are the emotion. The excitement, the nervousness, the rush, the joy, the pride and then humiliation. My first audition was a 'cattle call' for a television series. I was ushered in like hundreds of others, like frightened cows into a tiny room with a director and casting agent. I had been on many job interviews before, so I figured this wouldn't be anything different. I marched in brimming with confidence because I had memorized my lines. I shook hands with the casting agent and director and gave'em both a big toothy grin. I hit my mark and delivered the lines like a Juilliard trained actor... or so I thought.

It wasn't until my third or fourth acting class that I learned you're not supposed to shake anyone's hand or give any physical contact to anyone unless initiated by someone else. In retrospect, my Juilliard skills were nothing more than a third rate middle school PTA night performance. The sickness and worry I felt after it was all over is still with me, but in a milder form. I learned it was the feeling of rejection, but I don't know if anyone can get used that.

Auditions don't get any easier, but the more I learn about them and how to handle them they don't seem as scary as they once did. The day will come when I go to my last audition; either out of frustration or good luck (I know some famous actors still audition for major parts). I will of course treat the audition as though it were my first; as it should be the gateway to achieving my goal. I also wonder if anyone knows the percentage of people who have never achieved their dreams in their lifetime. Most of all I continually wonder what percentage I will fall to.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Catch 22

According to Workopolis, being a actor/director is the 4th best job to have and being a writer ranks 12th in the list of 20 top jobs. That's exciting news unless of course you're actually looking for employment in those fields on Workopolis. Researching acting, directing or writing positions on Workopolis takes you far away from the meticulously decorated sets, mobile trailers and lure of the silver screen.

But I have to start somewhere and begin paying my dues, so why not submit that resume as a proposal writer or a director of software or even an unknown, unestablished agency looking for fresh faces for film and TV? Well luckily that shady agency charging ridiculous 'registration' fees doesn't need a graduate degree, or 10 years of software management experience. Nope! All I needed was $800 plus another $300 for pictures and then I'd be set to start going on auditions for that major film role.

Yes, I got scammed once or twice, but like I said-- There is no manual for success; you do what feels right. You learn that things aren't always what they seem; good to get it out of the way early so you don't get scammed twice (which I did). Fortunately I didn't have to pay the whole amount upfront because of course you want to use the profits from all the work you're getting to pay some of the cost to get noticed. However, you want to get all those things out of the way so you can get pictures and get seen faster!

So now I'm almost a thousand dollars into this agency with some ridiculous photos to show for it (I still have issues with pictures to this day) . But I have to keep going because you have to follow your dream to the fullest no matter what. You have to be willing to put in 110% to get what you want. You have to be willing to go the distance!

Just when I begin losing faith in what was a sure thing to get me in the industry, I get a call for my first audition! (That'll be another post)

Now I realize what I'm really up against... Perpetual rejection: from resume/photo submission to audition. That, and I needed acting lessons, which my first shady agent forgot to mention; another $100-$300 depending on the teacher. I thought I was a natural, but I soon realized how unnatural I was in front of a camera. And of course in the back of my head, I'm thinking 'perhaps you should just give up now'.

A year goes by and the contract with the dodgey-ass agent is done. What was I left with? One audition, no direction and no source of income.

They say in this business it's who you know, not what you know. However, I made a conscious decision to learn as much in the event the opportunity presents itself to me-- I'll only have one shot and I want to appear competent. So with no money and no experience and no graduate degree, I did the only thing I could do; get a job slinging food in a restaurant.

In retrospect I think, 'Why didn't I get the graduate degree in order to get the ten years of experience so that I could have a steady job and work my way into the industry with an impressive director of software background'?

That road seemed too easy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

What dreams may come...

Paying your dues... what exactly does that mean? Essentially you have to suffer before you can be appreciated. If that is the case; Jesus must have been an artist. There was no fast tracking for him-- No 'American False Idol', no ' America's Next Top Messiah', no 'Survivor: Garden of Eden'; years of struggle and hard work.

Those that fast track their way to success without paying their dues end up falling or suffering later. I suppose people tell you to pay your dues up front; yet everyone has a story to tell in which they are still suffering. This would make paying dues redundant, would it not?

We all have goals, we all have dreams, we all have a destiny. Some people are successful in making that deal, finding their way and achieving their desire. However, no one does it alone. Yet scores of people feel as though their struggle or their journey is different and they are indeed alone on a quest to achieve Jason's golden fleece.

Yeah, that was lame, but meh... I'm an ordinary guy in a not so ordinary situation. There is no actual manual for success, though there are many books about the subject. Successful figures handing out information on how they made it. The things they overcame to get where they are and such.

Which brings me to this blog; a chronicle of one dreamer paying dues in order to achieve a pipe dream!

To bring you up to speed on the journey, I declared myself an artist sometime just before the end of high school. I attended a post-secondary institution to further my artistic endeavors but, confronted with artistic flakes, a stale curriculum and uninspiring professors I was crushed. I refused to let my writer/actor aspirations die before second semester.

I began teaching myself how to write scripts for television and film. I read anything I could get from the library and attended every writer's conference I could afford. And of course, the only thing I could do to support myself while giving me the flexibility to go out on auditions or work on a script revision, was working in restaurants...